Such a Dork

From a young age, I for some reason glommed on to this idea that it was imperative that I was always cool and never the alternative (a loser?). 

As I write this, I can’t really even define what a loser is. 

But indulge me for a moment. 

I think most people can say that they have had an experience where they didn’t feel cool or wanted to be more cool or decided they were cool for some external reason and this gave them a sense of peace or at least permission to relax, because socially, they were safe for a minute. 

This is a much deeper issue that we often give it credit. Belonging is the most basic human need. And being ‘uncool’ is one of best ways to be excluded from your community, especially at a younger, more vulnerable, age. So it makes sense that we fight tooth and nail to make sure this doesn’t happen.

I took this pattern on in a big way. I was convinced I was very uncool pretty much until a few weeks ago when I publicly shared a story about being excluded in elementary school. Sharing my insides in such a powerful way made a whole bunch of ideas I had about myself start to collapse. 

That’s what courage and vulnerability does. And that’s why I love it. Not comfortable but important.

What I realized is that I’ve judged pretty much everything I do and everything I love as very uncool - which really limits a) how much time I spend doing these things I love and b) how I feel about myself that I love them and that I spend time on them. 

It’s such a strange thing to come out of the fog of self judgement because hindsight is 20/20 and it seems so ridiculous to me now that I would be so cruel and unkind to myself - but inside the fog, it’s obviously hard to see clearly. 

As a little girl, my favorite colours were pink, purple and blue. But that wasn’t cool so scratch those. I loved to play the piano and really wanted to be in band in high school but that wasn’t cool so scratch that. I really wanted to do crafts and spend time making things but that wasn’t cool so scratch that too. I wanted to dance and sing around the house with reckless abandon but gasp! nope can’t do that if you want to be cool. 

Making dumb jokes wasn’t cool and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time wasn’t cool so definitely shut your voice down Sara and just try to say the coolest thing always and then berate yourself when that doesn’t go as planned. Ok good plan. 

My subconscious was so attached to this strategy of belonging that I realized I have been categorizing people on some arbitrary cool scale, and in judging myself, almost always finding myself somewhere near the bottom. I’m certainly not proud of this and it’s collapsing as we speak but that’s how important this idea of being cool was - it was my way of belonging to my community. It was the ticket in. 

And holy moly it’s exhausting trying to be cool all the time. What does that even mean, being cool?

What’s interesting is that my 12 year old self would define the word cool very differently than my 38 year old self. And that’s the key. It’s all in the definition. 

She would define cool as all the things I’ve mentioned above. Cool clothes, cool words, cool activities, cool emotions - meaning don’t ever feel insecure or lonely or fear and don’t ever doubt yourself. Make sure everyone knows you have it all together at all times. 

This is obviously impossible to maintain and really did a number on my self esteem, trying to live up to these unrealistic expectations. 

So we had a chat, her and I and we decided the old definition sucked so we made up a new one. Here it is:. A cool person is someone who is doing the best they can to make a positive difference in their life and in other’s lives, someone who is honest and kind, someone who enjoys life and likes to have fun, someone who is working on honouring and loving themselves and someone who is going after big things in their life because it’s awesome to be challenged and move through life always growing. 

Thank the heavens for this new definition because I can rest now. I can rest in the freedom of many many years trying to contort myself into something that is very difficult for me to be, just so I can belong. As I write this, I can feel the exhaustion drain from my cells.

This picture above is of my sweet little choir I sing in once a week. When I first joined a few years ago, I had to work through major ‘dork’ judgements from my wounded ego. And now - it’s one of my most favorite days of the week and feeds my soul on so many levels. 

Belonging comes from the inside. We need to belong to ourselves first, care for ourselves first, be kind and loving and accepting to ourselves first. And then from this place, we create better community. We create community with people who mirror the love that’s going on inside of us, not the distortion and judgement. As within, so without. 

It’s better, promise. 

Anyone else want to redefine a judgement you have of yourself? I highly recommend it. 

If you need my support, you know where to find me. 

Light on, sweet ones.