Controlling the Situation

It’s an interesting experience, walking a path of healing and facing and exploring and growing and changing. Of course there are benefits - you become closer to yourself, you get to know yourself better, you release unhealthy patterns, heal wounds and become stronger and have the strength and courage to always go after bigger and better things. 

And sometimes in the exploration and facing and growing and healing, you end up seeing things you didn’t expect - and things you’d really rather not see.

Like seeing your relationships as they are rather than how you wished or thought they were. 

We all have enormous power, we all have incredible and impactful legacies to lead and leave behind, we are all capable of doing amazing things. And - not everyone is doing them. Not everyone is at the same level of growth, awareness, healing, willingness and ambition. 

And sometimes, those who aren’t going after the big dream, those who are at a different stage on their path have very strong reactions, opinions and energy towards those who are. It’s jarring to have a dream inside of you, burning into every corner of your being and then watch someone else have the courage to put that dream into action. 

I get it. 

However, it’s absolutely not ok for that person to project and blame and make someone else feel bad or doubtful about the journey they’re walking and the wins and successes they’re creating. That’s called control.

This is not always an obvious dynamic for the receiver of these projections. These people are acting from their shadow and are most of the time not even aware they’re doing it.  (This doesn’t excuse it, however.) This, combined with a willingness to please or make people happy or remain connected on the other side, can get really harmful. 

It’s just a fact that sometimes people would rather hold others back and make them feel small than actually face what’s going on inside of them and make a change in their lives. 

Let’s be honest - it’s easier that way. It’s WAY easier to blame others than to take responsibility for ourselves. It just is. 

But that doesn’t make it ok. 

So for the people going after it -  there needs to be a willingness to keep your eyes wide open. To see relationships for how they really are. To be clear about what actually IS. 

What can happen, especially if we’ve known someone for a long time, and especially if you’re an empath and know what they’re feeling better than they do, is that we start to make excuses for them. 

We make it ok that they’re controlling us because they’re just working through wounds from the past. It’s ok that they’re holding us back because they’re in a different stage of their journey. It’s ok because what the fuck is going to happen when I own my power? Will I be alone forever? Who will come with me? 

These are mine - of course - and I know I’m not alone in this.

Having to face where I’ve been controlled and held back and manipulated and sabotaged in my life has been painful. Obviously. And I’m still healing from it and haven’t mastered it.

But - my work now is to keep my eyes open. To see relationships as they are and to really honour my feelings. To honour where I feel unsafe, and disrespected, confused, sad and undeserving. These are indications that I’m not being loved, and that something needs to change. 

Sometimes, it’s an indication that these people need to go. And we can send them off with love and a deep respect while also knowing that our lives are better without them. It’s ok to be honest about that. 

We deserve to be free of anyone who tries to hold us back or dim our light or does anything less than support us unconditionally.  And we deserve to let go of or change relationships where we don’t feel like we can be our absolute complete self - mind blowingly amazing and shadowy and vulnerable. We get to be loved for the entire spectrum of our being and we get to hold for that. We get to have high standards and hold for what we truly desire. 

In truth, it’s the only way to be in a loving relationship with ourselves. It’s what’s right.

If you find yourself in this place, or any other place that feels uncomfortable, send me an email. We’ll talk about getting you supported and loved in your life. It’s possible, you know. 

Loving you, always.