Projecting

People throw this word around a lot but what does it really mean and how do we stop doing it? And why would we want to when sometimes it’s easier than dealing with our stuff?  What do we do when others are projecting on to us?  

Great question(s), Sara!  Here’s what I know about it:

When people project, they are essentially blaming other people for making them feel a certain way.  It’s not always as obvious as this but this is the underlying gist. And we know that no one can MAKE us feel anything.  We do that all by ourselves. So this is a problem if we want to grow.

An example of projecting goes as follows:  Girl is feeling extremely overwhelmed and sensitive and like she really needs to talk to someone who understands what it’s like to feel a lot of emotions and energy all the time.  She reaches out to a friend but doesn’t actually explain that this is what she needs, just that she’s feeling pretty emotional.  Friend expresses that yes, indeed, these two eclipses back to back have really stirred up some heavy shit and that he in fact is feeling quite crazy also.  Conversation ends.  Girl is then pissed off because friend didn’t read her mind that she really needed someone to talk to and dig into the heart of the matter.  Girl then expresses discontent to her friend for not being a better friend and for abandoning her in her time of need.  Man is stupefied. And Voila. Projecting. I don’t know this girl by the way.  Just a story I heard one time…

People project a lot.  A lot, a lot. And in our defence as humans, we weren’t ever really taught how to properly process our emotions in a way that is healthy and effective for ourselves and the people around us, so it makes sense that these emotions come out in often messy and hurtful ways. One of my teachers always says that we came into being human without the instruction manual.

When we are projecting, we are seemingly freed from the responsibility of dealing with our stuff, which then keeps us in this vicious cycle of never dealing with our stuff and moving forward. Ya dig? To reiterate, no one can make us feel anything we don’t already feel ourselves so when we project, we stay in this perpetual loop of never really taking responsibility for our feelings and never healing the underlying issues. Projecting is also doing a really good job of pushing others away by blaming them for all our problems.

It’s the “You’re making me feel _______.” dynamic. Nope. You feel that all by yourself, sweetheart. It's not your fault!  But merely an indication of where you've been hurt in the past in a similar way.  Certainly our relationships are our biggest mirrors, and they’re going to show us, whether you want to see it or not, where we are still wounded or running some negative programming.  Especially the closest relationships ie. siblings, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, wives, telemarketers. Jk. They are the ones that show you all your stuff right up close, like one of those horrendous super-zoom mirrors where you can see so far into your pores that all of a sudden you're looking at the depths of your soul.

I’m all for sharing and talking and being open and honest about how you feel.  I think this is incredibly important. But as soon as we blame and project, we’ve totally disempowered ourselves and put the brakes on any sort of healing or insights or breakthroughs that may have come from feeling our feelings and taking responsibility for them.

Ok, so now what to do when someone is projecting at us. When on the receiving end of projections, always try to disengage from the emotion that’s being projected and focus on the being who’s projecting and why.  Try to understand that this person is only showing you where they’re wounded and in need of love.  The more unattached we can be from the projections of others, the more loving and compassionate we can be towards them, which is how we help to heal them and ourselves.  One of Danielle LaPorte's 'truth bombs' suggests that “so much is a cry for love”.  That’s all anyone is doing when they’re projecting is showing you that in that moment, they need love and they’re totally unsure of how to receive it.

Everyone is doing the best they can in every moment, says Matt Kahn (the most loveliest of all time) and if they could do better, they would.  Holding this point of view ups the compassion level dramatically.  I use it all the time.  Every day. Constantly. Also, the more work we do on ourselves, the easier it is not to be triggered by other people’s emotions and instead stand firmly in unconditional love for everyone.

When you’re feeling triggered and like you’d really like to project some stuff onto someone so you don’t have to deal with it, it’s usually your inner child screaming at you to ‘pay some attention to me'!  As much as you can, disengage from the conversation or situation mentally and go within and ask your inner child what he or she needs. Where is all of this emotion coming from? What am I really afraid of or insecure / angry / sad about/? Kindly apologize to the person you’re projecting onto and take full responsibility for your feelings as soon as possible.  Integrity.  Goes a looooong way.

This is a big step towards healing those unresolved emotions. Big. HUGE. Because we can’t heal or move through anything we don’t believe is ours. Reclaim it and then move the eff through it with ease and grace and joy and love. Happy inner child = happy you.

Usually this strategy will calm the energy and put everyone in a more receptive and loving state.  Then take some time for yourself to reflect and give yourself what you need. Maybe it’s some healing (PSYCH-K being my method of choice), or maybe it’s just some quiet time alone. Or rest! What a concept. Or food. Or water.  Or a hug. Or a quick slap upside the head. Just kidding.  But get in the habit of asking yourself what you need.  The more you ask, the better you get at listening and delivering.  The more fulfilled and happy we are within ourselves, the less we project and the better we love. YAY.

The speed at which we move through our challenges once we stop projecting them onto others and start taking responsibility for them is remarkable.  Unless you want to stay in the junk. Your choice, and I respect all decisions fully.  But I TRY to choose freedom from the shadows every damn time.