Let’s be honest - it’s a yucky word. Mostly it makes people cringe or hide or turn their eyes down or go into denial or scoff and put it on the next person. Because a) there’s so much stigma and shame around it and b) we are all co-dependent on some level unless you’ve done your work. For the most part, no one really wants to look at it. It’s hard and uncomfortable and we would much prefer to stay comfortable.

I had to look up the definition of codependency because I didn’t actually know what it was and this is what google told me: excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

And while this is of course true, what it really means at the deepest level is that we have needs and we have no friggin’ clue how to meet them ourselves so we depend on others to meet them because we think that’s the only way.

And let’s be clear about this also: you can be codependent with anyone, not just a partner. Just like you can have an addiction to anything.

So really, underneath it all, we’re all just little kids who didn’t get what we needed when we needed it and now we’re fumbling through life desperately trying to feel what we want to feel, have our needs met, and believing that the only way to make that happen is through relationship to another person.

It’s why when we tell people to love themselves, for the most part what you get in response is a blank stare. We KNOW we need to love ourselves. We know that we need to treat ourselves better and respect ourselves and meet our needs and know what our needs are for Pete’s sake.

But how?! Most of us haven’t the first idea how to do this effectively.  

Meeting our own needs doesn’t mean that you CAN’T have your needs met by someone else, by your community, by any other person. Of course you can.

It just means that it’s not the only way to meet them. And we become much more functional, self-sufficient, effective, confident, powerful humans when we know what our needs are and how to meet them and then actually do it. Actually make the effort to meet our needs ourselves.  

I really want  to make this clear, what codependency really is because the first step to healing codependency is to get out of the shame of it. There is no reason to be ashamed for being codependent.

I’m going to say it again: there is no reason to be ashamed for being codependent.

And there’s also nothing wrong with being ‘needy’. This is another whopper of a word that can carry so much shame.

Being ‘needy’ really means that you have needs that haven’t been met for such a long time that now there’s so much fear incorporated into that need that it’s become desperation.

You see it quite a bit in women who didn’t have their needs met by their dads and then enter into relationships with men who still aren’t willing or able to meet their needs and then the ‘neediness’ comes up.

Again, no shame. Just compassion and a desire to have everyone understand what’s really going on so that you can care for it.

There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not doing anything inherently wrong. It just might be that you’re in some patterns in relationships that are harmful to you or others and there’s a different way. There’s a better way to feel good about yourself, to feel safe and loved and cared for and strong and powerful. And it comes from inside you - which is good news! Because you don’t need another person to do this for you.

You can do it all by yourself.

The best way to start, is to connect to the child inside of you who has needs that aren’t being met.

You can do this mindful meditation if you feel called:

• In your mind, go to a place in nature, somewhere you know and love, or somewhere you make up - it’s totally up to you.

• Call into this space your inner child at they age where they most need you

• Have them come and sit with you and tune into or ask what they need, what’s going on for them? It might be they just need a hug, they may need to cry, they may need to get really angry - you’ll know when they get there

• Comfort and listen to this child and make sure you understand what’s happening for them - just like you would a child in real life

• Validate their feelings - tell them you understand why they would feel that way and then ask them what they need from you. How can you care for this child?

• Listen to what they say and then do it. Usually the ask is simple - kids are simple and not complicated - if the answer you get is complicated, your mind has entered and you’ve stopped listening to the child. Go back and ask again.

• Meet the need of this child, no matter what it is.

The thing about doing inner child work is that kids heal quickly. They let go of stuff easily, they just need the time and attention and care to do so.

This is how you develop the relationship between you and you, becoming a kind parent to your inner self and start to heal the wounds of your past, and fill the needs that you never had filled at the time.

All of the power to heal is inside of you.

If you need any support with this, don’t hesitate to reach out.

I’m here for you.

With love.

Xo